http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/stuart_brown_says_play_is_more_than_fun_it_s_vital.html
This site is a link to a video about how play can lead us away from murder. In my case, I believe it is the reason for my steady decline in grades, attendance and my depression.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
The Greatest Time Ever
I had a very strange dream last night, and I thought I should write it down in case anything ever comes of it since I used to use my dreams as stories.
I was in Williamsburg and it was around sunset. I walked into the high school for play practice. I was the heroin of the play and Joel Dronebarger was the hero. I don't know what the play was about, but I remember the teacher saying we needed to work on being more romantic. Joel rubbed my thigh and I smiled a smile that I hoped said, "You are a nice boy, but I'm unavailable." Then we were rehearsing lines. My lord, I needed to practice. I had to read it all straight from the book. If I didn't memorize it all soon I wouldn't be able to perform it without the script!
Then it was after practice and I was walking around uptown. There was a group of young kids waiting for the bus for afternoon kindergarten. There was a young boy who looked kind of like a young Joel Dronebarger and he was worried about school. He was very nervous. I told him, "Don't worry. There will be tons of kids to play with. You are going to have the greatest time EVER!" He smiled and another boy came to join the group. They all started talking to eachother like they'd always been friends and I walked away into the sunset toward home.
Both strange and random, I know, but it was so full of creativity that I thought maybe some day I could manipulate it into a story. I don't know - what do you think?
I was in Williamsburg and it was around sunset. I walked into the high school for play practice. I was the heroin of the play and Joel Dronebarger was the hero. I don't know what the play was about, but I remember the teacher saying we needed to work on being more romantic. Joel rubbed my thigh and I smiled a smile that I hoped said, "You are a nice boy, but I'm unavailable." Then we were rehearsing lines. My lord, I needed to practice. I had to read it all straight from the book. If I didn't memorize it all soon I wouldn't be able to perform it without the script!
Then it was after practice and I was walking around uptown. There was a group of young kids waiting for the bus for afternoon kindergarten. There was a young boy who looked kind of like a young Joel Dronebarger and he was worried about school. He was very nervous. I told him, "Don't worry. There will be tons of kids to play with. You are going to have the greatest time EVER!" He smiled and another boy came to join the group. They all started talking to eachother like they'd always been friends and I walked away into the sunset toward home.
Both strange and random, I know, but it was so full of creativity that I thought maybe some day I could manipulate it into a story. I don't know - what do you think?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Don't You Forget About Me
Don't You Forget About Me
I just think this video is excellent. It does have a tendency to lean toward past lovers, but I heard it in a "past friends" kind of way. I almost cried watching it to think and remember all of those WONDERFUL people I've lost in my life. It's no ones fault, of course, but life rips us apart, sometimes in very painful ways. So I added this link as a message to those I miss most. In order of when I lost them:
Heather Shaw (moved - in touch via Facebook)
Anthony Cameron Moore (deceased - no contact)
Rebecca Sue Reihmann (moved - in touch via Myspace/Facebook)
Britney Lane (ended our friendship purposely - no contact)
This may be a short list, but, sadly, I treasure so few in my life.
I just think this video is excellent. It does have a tendency to lean toward past lovers, but I heard it in a "past friends" kind of way. I almost cried watching it to think and remember all of those WONDERFUL people I've lost in my life. It's no ones fault, of course, but life rips us apart, sometimes in very painful ways. So I added this link as a message to those I miss most. In order of when I lost them:
Heather Shaw (moved - in touch via Facebook)
Anthony Cameron Moore (deceased - no contact)
Rebecca Sue Reihmann (moved - in touch via Myspace/Facebook)
Britney Lane (ended our friendship purposely - no contact)
This may be a short list, but, sadly, I treasure so few in my life.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Without a solution.
Counseling.
I have problems. Oh, boy, do I have problems! Shall I go into it? Of course.
Problem #1: Chronic Stress
Problem #2: Eating Disorder
I. Emotional Eater
II. Binge Eater
Problem #3: Paranoia
Problem #4: Depression
Problem #5: High Standards
Problem #6: Yearning That Cannot be Cured
Problem #7: Anti-Social Lifestyle
Problem #8: Hypochondriac
Problem #9: Feelings of Abandonment
Wait, wait, wait...we're moving into symptom territory here. Basically, as the list above (that is not complete) shows that I'm an absolute mess. At the root of the problem is the feeling of abandonment and neglect. If I truly felt that I was not alone in this world and truly felt that I had someone to go to when I need help then I would not have chronic stress....Chronic Stress is the cause of all of the other problems except the yearning and the anti-social lifestyle..those two add to my chronic stress, but still root from my feelings of abandonment. I would make a chart, but you can't on here.
I need therapy pretty badly if I'm ever going to lose weight, be happy and succeed at life. Otherwise, I need Edward Cullen. The latter is impossible and the first is very difficult. I feel pretty stuck here, so I get to the point where I say.... eh.... suck it up and deal. Problem? My stress levels are constantly high and every time I explode with all the things I held in my tolerance level lowers...so the explosions are getting closer and closer together...what happens when they overlap? A large explosion? Will I lose my mind? Or die? Or will it all start at the beginning? Interesting concept, I know....
Without a solution.
I have problems. Oh, boy, do I have problems! Shall I go into it? Of course.
Problem #1: Chronic Stress
Problem #2: Eating Disorder
I. Emotional Eater
II. Binge Eater
Problem #3: Paranoia
Problem #4: Depression
Problem #5: High Standards
Problem #6: Yearning That Cannot be Cured
Problem #7: Anti-Social Lifestyle
Problem #8: Hypochondriac
Problem #9: Feelings of Abandonment
Wait, wait, wait...we're moving into symptom territory here. Basically, as the list above (that is not complete) shows that I'm an absolute mess. At the root of the problem is the feeling of abandonment and neglect. If I truly felt that I was not alone in this world and truly felt that I had someone to go to when I need help then I would not have chronic stress....Chronic Stress is the cause of all of the other problems except the yearning and the anti-social lifestyle..those two add to my chronic stress, but still root from my feelings of abandonment. I would make a chart, but you can't on here.
I need therapy pretty badly if I'm ever going to lose weight, be happy and succeed at life. Otherwise, I need Edward Cullen. The latter is impossible and the first is very difficult. I feel pretty stuck here, so I get to the point where I say.... eh.... suck it up and deal. Problem? My stress levels are constantly high and every time I explode with all the things I held in my tolerance level lowers...so the explosions are getting closer and closer together...what happens when they overlap? A large explosion? Will I lose my mind? Or die? Or will it all start at the beginning? Interesting concept, I know....
Without a solution.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Twilight
I read the first book of the Twilight series quite a while ago. For some reason the book was just okay. Something happened between then and a few months later when I read the next book, because I simply could not get enough of it. I read the other three books in about 2 weeks. Oblivious to the rest of the world and just how popular it was growing I continued reading them until the very end of the very last book. Then the disappointment hit. As a "Piece of Flair" so well put it "I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that Edward Cullen is a fictional character". Not only was he not real, but my obsession was over as there was nothing new to read.
The first time I realized I hated the book came a few days later. At work I opened a magazine and saw a picture of the characters for the Twilight movie. Edward looked exactly as I pictured him when reading, but there was Bella. A kind of awkward jealousy and anger hit when I realized that not only are these fictional characters, but I AM NOT involved in their tale.
Then there came the obsession of all other girls/women the world over. "Pieces of Flaire", advertisements, magazine articles, yahoo news articles....Twilight was EVERYWHERE! I have a problem - I admit. I cannot accept the things I love once I find that everyone else loves them. I think it may be a kind of a fight or flight response...I know I can't win against those odds so I give up or even abhor the subject, item, or individual.
So now what I ask myself frequently is the question at the very root of the problem. I obviously have a deeper obsession with this book than anyone else. What I'd like to know is why?
I think there may be a couple of reasons. I have an obsession with vampires as it is and if there were any way in the entire universe that I could become one, I would do it in less than a heartbeat. I crave that amount of time. The ability to not feel rush but at the same time to be able to rush faster than anyone else. To be able to gain limitless knowledge and in fact, know everything. I need to be invincible...or nearly so. To never need to sleep or eat and to be able to do as I want, when I want without fear. I want so badly to be able to move so fast that I am invisible. To have super-human hearing and vision. To have even more special powers, possible...like reading minds as Edward does, seeing the future like Alice or controlling emotions like Emmett (I think it was Emmett?). Or even ones not listed in the book - ability to move objects or fly or become invisible.
But where does this root from? Do I truly feel that weak and insignificant...most times I believe so. There are only occasional times that I feel powerful and safe...like when the wind blows through my hair or when I'm driving in the rain. Must be my Native American coming out. So, I guess the obsessive need stems from my belief that there is something better. In fact, my yearning to get to that something better.
The second reason lies with Edward himself. Not only to I feel weak and insignificant, but I feel alone and misunderstood as well. I don't really feel that there is another individual out there who loves me unconditionally...no, not even my boyfriend...nor my own mother. I also do not think anyone really "gets" me. In fact, I think most people believe me to be a completely different person from who I truly am. I do not know if this is because I do not share who I am with others, or if everyone is simply incapable or too self-absorbed to even try. Edward "gets" Bella. He really does. And there is no love stronger than their love for each other. I would kill with my bare hands to have a love like that. Just to have another being on the planet who would do the same for me, specifically. To have another person who loves me unconditionally and completely and who totally understands every fiber of who I am. Call me a pessimist, but I don't think I will ever find this. Maybe that's why I settle for mediocre or worse (such as Craig or Brian).
So, I guess this is why I have a problem with Twilight. Why every time I see it mentioned I want to curl up in a ball. I can never have any of it. And sometimes I feel like I can't be happy without it. Maybe I should seek therapy.
The first time I realized I hated the book came a few days later. At work I opened a magazine and saw a picture of the characters for the Twilight movie. Edward looked exactly as I pictured him when reading, but there was Bella. A kind of awkward jealousy and anger hit when I realized that not only are these fictional characters, but I AM NOT involved in their tale.
Then there came the obsession of all other girls/women the world over. "Pieces of Flaire", advertisements, magazine articles, yahoo news articles....Twilight was EVERYWHERE! I have a problem - I admit. I cannot accept the things I love once I find that everyone else loves them. I think it may be a kind of a fight or flight response...I know I can't win against those odds so I give up or even abhor the subject, item, or individual.
So now what I ask myself frequently is the question at the very root of the problem. I obviously have a deeper obsession with this book than anyone else. What I'd like to know is why?
I think there may be a couple of reasons. I have an obsession with vampires as it is and if there were any way in the entire universe that I could become one, I would do it in less than a heartbeat. I crave that amount of time. The ability to not feel rush but at the same time to be able to rush faster than anyone else. To be able to gain limitless knowledge and in fact, know everything. I need to be invincible...or nearly so. To never need to sleep or eat and to be able to do as I want, when I want without fear. I want so badly to be able to move so fast that I am invisible. To have super-human hearing and vision. To have even more special powers, possible...like reading minds as Edward does, seeing the future like Alice or controlling emotions like Emmett (I think it was Emmett?). Or even ones not listed in the book - ability to move objects or fly or become invisible.
But where does this root from? Do I truly feel that weak and insignificant...most times I believe so. There are only occasional times that I feel powerful and safe...like when the wind blows through my hair or when I'm driving in the rain. Must be my Native American coming out. So, I guess the obsessive need stems from my belief that there is something better. In fact, my yearning to get to that something better.
The second reason lies with Edward himself. Not only to I feel weak and insignificant, but I feel alone and misunderstood as well. I don't really feel that there is another individual out there who loves me unconditionally...no, not even my boyfriend...nor my own mother. I also do not think anyone really "gets" me. In fact, I think most people believe me to be a completely different person from who I truly am. I do not know if this is because I do not share who I am with others, or if everyone is simply incapable or too self-absorbed to even try. Edward "gets" Bella. He really does. And there is no love stronger than their love for each other. I would kill with my bare hands to have a love like that. Just to have another being on the planet who would do the same for me, specifically. To have another person who loves me unconditionally and completely and who totally understands every fiber of who I am. Call me a pessimist, but I don't think I will ever find this. Maybe that's why I settle for mediocre or worse (such as Craig or Brian).
So, I guess this is why I have a problem with Twilight. Why every time I see it mentioned I want to curl up in a ball. I can never have any of it. And sometimes I feel like I can't be happy without it. Maybe I should seek therapy.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Re-Update
Hi! My name is Kaitlin Marie McKnight. This is my second blogger account. I can no longer remember my user name or password for my old account, but I would love it if you could all view it before reading this, just so that you can get to know me a little bit better....I would particularly like you to view my first post ever as it rewinds my life for you. Please follow the link:
http://thegreatestofthings.blogspot.com
The very last thing I posted was in June of 2008, so let me update you since then:
I started working for Cathi Miller at Iowa City Optical on April 15th, 2008 (Mara, their former receptionist had her funeral the day before, or I would have started on the 14th). I moved into the basement of her house (because I was dating her son Drew). I've been going to Kirkwood since August of 2007 and I am almost done with my Liberal Arts Degree. Other than that not much exciting has happened other than Savannah growing up big (9 months)!
Drew and I got in a very big fight after stress from his new job got him a little too stressed. I moved back home with mom and took a break from Drew. Now we are back together, but I still live back home with mom.
Amanda has been dating a boy named Cris and they got into a big fight. I'm a little confused about it all, so I'm not going to say much, but she has both of their cars and he has moved out. She changed the lock after he took off with the bed and the television.
Well that's about all the updating I've got for you. I'll come back later when I've got something to say.
http://thegreatestofthings.blogspot.com
The very last thing I posted was in June of 2008, so let me update you since then:
I started working for Cathi Miller at Iowa City Optical on April 15th, 2008 (Mara, their former receptionist had her funeral the day before, or I would have started on the 14th). I moved into the basement of her house (because I was dating her son Drew). I've been going to Kirkwood since August of 2007 and I am almost done with my Liberal Arts Degree. Other than that not much exciting has happened other than Savannah growing up big (9 months)!
Drew and I got in a very big fight after stress from his new job got him a little too stressed. I moved back home with mom and took a break from Drew. Now we are back together, but I still live back home with mom.
Amanda has been dating a boy named Cris and they got into a big fight. I'm a little confused about it all, so I'm not going to say much, but she has both of their cars and he has moved out. She changed the lock after he took off with the bed and the television.
Well that's about all the updating I've got for you. I'll come back later when I've got something to say.
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