Twilight

I read the first book of the Twilight series quite a while ago. For some reason the book was just okay. Something happened between then and a few months later when I read the next book, because I simply could not get enough of it. I read the other three books in about 2 weeks. Oblivious to the rest of the world and just how popular it was growing I continued reading them until the very end of the very last book. Then the disappointment hit. As a "Piece of Flair" so well put it "I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that Edward Cullen is a fictional character". Not only was he not real, but my obsession was over as there was nothing new to read.

The first time I realized I hated the book came a few days later. At work I opened a magazine and saw a picture of the characters for the Twilight movie. Edward looked exactly as I pictured him when reading, but there was Bella. A kind of awkward jealousy and anger hit when I realized that not only are these fictional characters, but I AM NOT involved in their tale.

Then there came the obsession of all other girls/women the world over. "Pieces of Flaire", advertisements, magazine articles, yahoo news articles....Twilight was EVERYWHERE! I have a problem - I admit. I cannot accept the things I love once I find that everyone else loves them. I think it may be a kind of a fight or flight response...I know I can't win against those odds so I give up or even abhor the subject, item, or individual.

So now what I ask myself frequently is the question at the very root of the problem. I obviously have a deeper obsession with this book than anyone else. What I'd like to know is why?

I think there may be a couple of reasons. I have an obsession with vampires as it is and if there were any way in the entire universe that I could become one, I would do it in less than a heartbeat. I crave that amount of time. The ability to not feel rush but at the same time to be able to rush faster than anyone else. To be able to gain limitless knowledge and in fact, know everything. I need to be invincible...or nearly so. To never need to sleep or eat and to be able to do as I want, when I want without fear. I want so badly to be able to move so fast that I am invisible. To have super-human hearing and vision. To have even more special powers, possible...like reading minds as Edward does, seeing the future like Alice or controlling emotions like Emmett (I think it was Emmett?). Or even ones not listed in the book - ability to move objects or fly or become invisible.

But where does this root from? Do I truly feel that weak and insignificant...most times I believe so. There are only occasional times that I feel powerful and safe...like when the wind blows through my hair or when I'm driving in the rain. Must be my Native American coming out. So, I guess the obsessive need stems from my belief that there is something better. In fact, my yearning to get to that something better.

The second reason lies with Edward himself. Not only to I feel weak and insignificant, but I feel alone and misunderstood as well. I don't really feel that there is another individual out there who loves me unconditionally...no, not even my boyfriend...nor my own mother. I also do not think anyone really "gets" me. In fact, I think most people believe me to be a completely different person from who I truly am. I do not know if this is because I do not share who I am with others, or if everyone is simply incapable or too self-absorbed to even try. Edward "gets" Bella. He really does. And there is no love stronger than their love for each other. I would kill with my bare hands to have a love like that. Just to have another being on the planet who would do the same for me, specifically. To have another person who loves me unconditionally and completely and who totally understands every fiber of who I am. Call me a pessimist, but I don't think I will ever find this. Maybe that's why I settle for mediocre or worse (such as Craig or Brian).

So, I guess this is why I have a problem with Twilight. Why every time I see it mentioned I want to curl up in a ball. I can never have any of it. And sometimes I feel like I can't be happy without it. Maybe I should seek therapy.